a little clarity on this journey. :)

fear and direction.

clarity.  for myself anyways.  :)
for me, fear and clarity go hand in hand.

"...fear is like a giant fog.  it sits on your brain and blocks everything -
            real feelings, true happiness...real joy..."

let me explain.

I'm still mulling over my "deep thoughts" from my travels.
these thoughts happen when I travel.
they occur when I have when my mind is freed up from the day to day.
this irish poem crossed my inbox and kind-of explains how I feel about taking a holiday...
(not sure if I'm cool enough English enough to say holiday, but I like it.) :)


"every time you leave home,
                       another road takes you into a world you were never in.
new strangers on other paths await.
            old places that know you well will
                         pretend nothing changed since your last visit.

                    when you travel, you find yourself     alone    in a different way,
        more attentive now to the self you bring along.
and how what meets you touches that part of the heart that lies low at home:

when you travel, a new silence goes with you,
      and if you listen, you will hear what your heart would love to say.

                                  a journey can become a sacred thing:
        make sure, before you go, to take the time to ask Him to bless your going forth,
to free your heart of ballast
     so that the compass of your soul might direct you toward the territories of spirit
             where you will discover more of your hidden life,
                      and the urgencies that deserve to claim you.

may you travel in an awakened way, gathered wisely into your inner ground;
that you may not waste the invitations which wait along the way to transform you.

may you travel safely, arrive refreshed,
                   and live your time away to its fullest;
        return home more enriched,
                            and free to balance the gift of days which call you."

I took that photo above at a foggy, frozen pond while hiking with my man on our holiday.  and this poem and quote resonated in me and I finally felt the fog that I felt like was hovering over my thoughts, lift a bit.
foggy thoughts on fear and direction.

what is the point of my writing?  why do I write?  what should I be writing about?
        why do I fear so much?  what do I fear?  who do you fear?

and in the clearing of these thoughts I found a few quiet answers.

         direction.
I write because I enjoy it.  it's like cleaning out my spazzy mind.  swiffer for my mind, if you will. :)
   I enjoy seeing and copying what He has created  - with my lens.
      I don't pretend to be a teacher.  I don't pretend to have vast knowledge.
         this is simply my journey...my "inner ground".
             it's my voice but it's not about me...never has been.  it's about Him.
there is a quote that my pastor read from this sunday from c.s.lewis that I simply LOVE.
"...I must take care, on one hand, never to despise or be unthankful for these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage."
I'm a copycat.  a happy copycat.  a copycat of what He's created.  kreatid.  :)


         fear.
   oh, the giant fog that turns my gaze to myself.

I fear people mostly.
    I fear not pleasing everyone.
         I fear not measuring up to someone else's standards.
               I fear bugs.  small, insignificant bugs.
                    I hope there's not bugs in the new heaven and earth. :)
          I fear temporal pain.
     I fear family things.  losing people close to my heart.
and then that quote:

"...fear is like a giant fog.  it sits on your brain and blocks everything -
            real feelings, true happiness...real joy..."

fear is foolish because it's not from Him.
   I know He is good.
       I feel like this last week has been a small journey into that simple, strong knowledge.
          I saw real strength.  I witnessed real love.  I worshiped Real Love.
              real feelings.  true happiness.  real joy.
                  whom then shall I fear?

the conclusion?
this small page in the world wide web may not be for you.
   what I think, what I say, what I see may not be how you see things.
                                                                                          and that's okay.
                                                               this is simply my journey.

what are you waiting for?

so far the song of the year (all three days) :) is this one for me.
I love it.
it's inspiring.  it's truth.  and it's just good. :)

the above is one of my favorite moments (so far) on my vacation...
a pond in fitchie creek with mist all around made into a desktop calendar for me...
you can download a hi-res here if you want...
it's one of my favorites and I love it.
what are you waiting for?  you can walk on water, too. :)

quiet rest.

"...what you're thinking, is what you're becoming..."
                                                                  muhammed ali

two words have been filling my thoughts these last couple weeks...
resolve (ri-solv)

v. to come to a definite or earnest decision

resolution (rez-uh-loo-shuhn)

n. a solution

I have been quiet.  quiet on purpose.  I know, rare for the spaz in me. :)
but I think I am coming to a resolution about a few things about myself this trip...

one, I am indeed a snapdragon in the morning ;)
I like to pretend that I am sunshine in the morning, but I simply am not.
and whereas other people I know need dirty water to "become human",  I need quiet (and a chilly diet coke) the first fifteen minutes in the morning to gather my thoughts and attitude...it's not good, it's not bad...it just is. 
and to protect that when I get home, I need to get up earlier.
yup, resolve numero one.

two, I need quiet to grow.  and I've treasured quiet this trip.
life seems to swirl around me when I'm home and I tend to feel a little less grounded there.
I love and crave without knowing, weeks like this last one where the freedom to explore my thoughts and hear them are abundant.  it allow me to think clearly about where I am lacking in resolve.
I love that word...resolve.
it has muscle to it.  determination.  drive.  but also, quiet strength.
so where to find quiet amidst the business of my life?
I think it's in the morning...possibly in the evening...but, I think it's outside...no, I know it's outside.
I am SO nature deprived...I got to walk through the forest preserve this week with my man (yes, it was cold...but a good cold.) and he made that glaring need for resolution for me.
there is a part of me that simply comes alive when I'm outside.
I've felt it most deeply standing small by the ocean...
I've felt it when the wind teases my hair...
I feel it when the tree's whisper up north...
but when it's just me and my AWESOME boots (seriously, they are awesome and my feet NEVER get wet or cold),
my camera and the o.u.t.s.i.d.e...
I can breathe.  deep.
and more importantly, I can literally feel His presence.
the world feels a little less important when that happens...and I find deep peace when that happens. 

three, I'm learning that rest is terribly important.  I tend to go until I burn out.
not good.
I run around thinking that everything needs to get done and I'm the one who needs to be doing it.
not good.  and not truth.
I've come to realize I need to protect rest in my life because I am the one who is not protecting it.
I need to be okay with turning off the cell phone and simply not answering.
I need to be okay with closing the laptop.
I need to be okay to pause and say no, if necessary.
                   be quiet...be quiet and rest.

I have many more resolutions filled with resolve to come but I'll leave you with glimpses of my quiet rest...
my beautiful, beautiful quiet rest.  :)  

I love my man...

really, really love him... :)

THIS makes me smile.  a lot.  I have a serious obsession with owls. always have, always will.

I also have a large obsession with moss...it fascinates me and I LOVE the color. :)

one of my most favorite moments of my trip so far, the mist seemed to envelope us...and the quiet was astounding. :)

hello, my old friend. :)

epicness. :)

remembering...and resting.  and soon to be resolving...
but first remembering. :)
remembering the epicness that was 2010.  (yes, I claim epicness as a word.)  :)

I want to remember racing through boston, houston, chicago, and phoenix...
I want to remember getting to capture those first few moments
                     of a new bride seeing her husband for the very first time...
I want to remember seeing the glint and swagger in a high school senior eyes...
I want to remember the smells of a newborn's head, of dew lingering on the country fields,
        of cold snow in prescott, of roses freshly cut for the bride's bouquet...
I want to remember standing thirteen stories up overlooking phoenix and feeling small...
I want to remember seeing the love between a couple who has loved for 50 years...
I simply want to remember.
remember your memories that have now become my memories.
and I am so filled with gratitude that each one of these photographs
                 represents a bond with a person who I can call friend.

"...if I can create an image that elicits feelings in the viewer
             and convey even some of what I feel in the moment...that is simply magical..."



so thank you.
       so thank for the magic this 2010.

thank you for these photographs and allowing me a memory. :)

happy new year!  :)

a lot. :)

this boy makes me smile.  a lot.  :)
when I first greet him, it's the same every time...
   he lays back a bit and just kinda absorbs you a bit with his giant chocolate eyes.
      slowly his eyes start to krinkle.
         he might point at something and try to say the word next.
            and then?  then you're in.  in like flynn.  :)  and if you come bearing a car you're golden. :)
he loves to play, run, jump, throw, dance...you name it and he's on the go!
the only time you'll see him kinda sad is when it's time to go...
        you can almost hear his thoughts... "what?  they're not coming with?!"
yes, he makes me smile.  a lot.
and it's incredibly special for me to see him grow from this to not quite so little anymore!  :)

and his parents?  I love them a lot.  tremendously in fact.  and I'm SO excited for their new SON to arrive in the new year and to see how God uses them this next year!
thanks again, ricc and holly!  :)

and last but not least, my favorite...you can't help but look at him and smile.  a lot. :)