Wednesday, December 14, 2011

my thoughts are seriously jumbled as of late...and full.
I texted my friend today and told her I was pretty sure I was bi-polar.
I even had a conversation with my closest friend this week saying the same thing...
at least she told me she was I didn't have to feel as bad about myself. ;)

I usually try to ask myself two blanket questions at the end of the year when it comes to kreatid:
"what have you done well this year?" and
"what do you need work on?"
the latter seems to be rolling around my head the most lately.
I can't tell if its just me being wise and looking at the hard stuff first, like saving dessert for last...
or if it's me just being insecure about the things I do.
if I'm being honest, it's BE-yond easy for me to be that.  insecure.  yeah, I said it.  out loud, even. :)
I'm finding out peoples perceptions of me don't include insecurity.
but I am.
about everything.
really. :)
and if I'm being really honest, I think you are too.
yeah, I said that too.

I had a conversation with a friend this week that being a grown up really isn't that much different than being a teenager.
there's still the same group of kids, just grown up....the artists, the jocks, the 4-h club girls, the cheerleaders, etc.
you still feel awkward.
you still look to the right and left to make sure you're doing things "right".
and I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that there isn't a same "right" conclusion that's the same for everyone.
in my insecure moments I lie to myself and say that there IS only one right...
because THAT person, THAT person right over there *insert insecurity* is being awesome and already doing it.
and it may very well be right.  for them.

I tell you all the time that I'm a spaz, and I think I'm right in saying that.
a spaz because I like and think entirely TOO many things ALL the time.
it's not good.  it's not bad.  it's just how God made ME.
I don't really have an "off" switch.
I like photography...all sorts of journalistic, bold, story telling, fashion, photos that evoke emotion.
I like colors...bright colors, pastel colors, black & white, gradients, spectrums, neon even sometimes.
I like music...all kinds, really.
       coldplay, david crowder band, U2, county, rap, europop, blue grass, name it.
       you'd laugh if I loaned you my ipod.  really.  it matches my many moods. :)
I like people...all kinds. :)
       people genuinely fascinate me...I really think there's at least one fascinating thing in every person.
I like textures...wood, concrete, metal, burlap, kraft paper, velvet.
I like sports.  I like to be lazy.  I like diet coke.  I like chocolate.  I like broccoli.
I like. I like. I like.
God made me to like many things.

my conclusion so far is that I need to work on being focused with all the things He's given me to like.

I watched an interview with stacy pearsall this week and something she said is really resonating with me:
"build your portfolio/body of work around your passion.
carve out time and direction for yourself.
make one sentence that defines the direction where you want to go.
if you can't fit it into a sentence, it's not concise enough."

so my one question is growing into more questions...
what am I passionate about with kreatid?
where does He want me to go with it?
what should I focus on?

honestly, I don't know yet.
my carved out time to ponder this in detail is in eleven days.  but I'm not counting. :)
in the mean time, I'm feeling like He's telling me to be okay with me...
to stop being consumed with looking to the right and left...and be okay with me.

it's not one sentence yet, but I REALLY like this for some direction on why I should pursue kreatid...

"I believe God created us in His image, and created us with the ability to create things.
I find it really motivating that when we photograph/design things,
we’re doing a small version of what God was doing when He made everything,
when he sat back and said “it is good”.
God is the best designer/creator and can provide the best inspiration.
I like to see photography/design as a way of honouring God and the creativity that he gave us."

that's me.
that's kreatid.

p.s. thank you to whoever put this on my car tonight...seriously was perfect and beyond appreciated. :)


Linny Jane Vintage said...

I like your scattered thoughts. Thanks for being transparent and embracing the insecurity. Your amazing at what you do but I totally get the feeling of wanting to push forward. Excited to see what 2012 brings for you and Kreatid:)

elizabeth said...

Jen! SO excited for this time for you...11 days...but like you said who's counting. I am so looking forward to hear who God whispers to you through this time. Love you SO much...

PIXbyemily said...

ok where do i even begin? there were several times while i read this post that i felt like you were in MY head. your vulnerability is so refreshing. i will be praying for you as you seek answers and sentences. over the last half of this year God has been consistantly reminding me that HE made me for HIM. My life, really isn't about me at all. I was created for HIS purpose....and i believe HIS purpose for each of us changes...the goal is to be open and available for HIS use in HIS timing. b/c of this post i'm stepping into this day encouraged...inspired...& comfortable in who HE made me to be. thx Jen.

Kate the Great: said...

"What have you done well this year?", and "What do you need to work on?"...I'm right there with you on asking myself those two questions. I love your thoughts and insight and we must be related because I know insecurity has always been a big issue for me too. If anything, I think you should just keep doing what you're doing, because you do it well. Always so proud of really should have been the oldest!

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