transformation...

since I've declared it fall yesterday :),  it is time for deep thoughts.
"why?"  you ask?
because it's how I do.  and it's my blog which equals my deep thoughts. :)
a lot of people like to rearrange and recreate who they are on january 1st.
me, not so much.
maybe because I was born in september that I like new beginnings...I dunno.
I just know that towards the end of summer I start having serious deep thoughts about life and where God has me headed.  and watching "eat, pray, love." this afternoon with a good friend has not slowed down the deep thought process...nope, it's just added to it.

I know that a lot of people have done nothing but praise this book and this movie.
but for me, it left me feeling somewhat down and sad.

the story is about a woman who ends her marriage, begins a new one with a much younger man and then leaves that younger man and sets off on a journey to find herself through traveling through italy, india and bali eventually finding yet another man.  the overwhelming current of loneliness and struggle to find this illusive "peace" kind-of tugged at my heart the entire time.  the movie left me wondering how long she would be with that man until she decided to leave again...seemingly finding peace for the moment...
I leaned over to my friend during the movie and posed the question:
"do you think everyone is lonely?"
and both of us concluded that yes.  I think most people have seasons of loneliness...some longer than others, some more often than others.
I did like one of the lines of the movie:
"without ruin, there is no transformation."
and I think I agree with that.  but I don't think that I am the one to transform.  He has to do it for me...He is my center and my peace.  trusting that my life isn't simply about me...I think that I am most lonely when I think that life IS simply about me.

so then, what do I think I am being tranformed into?
personally: to be a less selfish, more transparent person...I know even MORE transparent...scary, huh?
that's not to say that there isn't wisdom with restraint...there is.  but when I think on being not transparent I think of tight fists...saying "mine."...hiding genuine emotion - excitement, sadness, happiness...all these things make up who I am and hiding that makes me feel prideful...like I should be ashamed at expression - like it's not cool...like the equation:
hold close what is "mine." + don't be be too anything = coolness
I think He is teaching me that I would rather be the woman at His feet wracked with sadness recognizing a better Way, I would rather be the king dancing for 1000 miles with joy when society said it was not socially acceptable, I would rather love too much than too little.

creatively: to stop looking to the left and right and take one step at a time, enjoying the journey.  which is super hard when you happen to pull a "lot's wife" and look back and see some of your creativity replicated in blatant ways.  in the end, it's not "mine."  but I'm learning that to learn that things aren't mine I need to not look to the right and left...it leaves a bad taste in my mouth by the people who don't strive to create for themselves.  and that is me not enjoying the journey...why do I create?  in the end, it's because He's given me talent's that are simply fun to do...worrying about what others are doing with ambition shouldn't be filling my head. 

relationally:  to be thankful and love big.  I am not like that woman in the movie.
do I want to travel to italy someday like her?  most definitely.
but I want to do with my best friend.
I know that the relationship I have with him is rare.
I know that a lot of people who marry the boy they liked since 13 don't always stay together.
but in the end, he's the one I want to see italy with.
he's the one that reminds me of truth when I make life about me.
he's the one who show's me how to love big and how to be loved big.
as phoebe would say:  "he's my lobster." :)

so that's it...for now. :)
I would love to hear how you are being transformed and what you thought of the movie! :)